About the book
This book is a one stop shop to basic principles for building relationships, professional or personal. They are actually life skills that all of us must possess to extract the best we can, from our own potential and life in general.
Who is it for ?
Everybody who wishes to master the skill of networking and build solid foundations for their relationships.
Key Takeaways
Part one: Fundamental techniques in handling people
Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself and condemn us in return. Criticisms and rebukes almost invariably end in futility. When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic we are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation
The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.
There is nothing one needs more than nourishment for self-esteem. We know how to nourish our bodies but what do we do for nourishment of self-esteem.
Also, be wary of the distinction between honest appreciation and flattery. Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.
Principle 3: Arouse in other person an eager want
It is necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish. The only way to influence the other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire.
Part 2: Six ways to make people like you
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people
Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love. You can make more friends in months by becoming interested in other people than you can in 2 years by trying to get other people interested in you.
Principle 2: Smile
People who smile tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively and to raise happier children. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.
If you are not one to smile naturally - First force yourself to smile. Act as if you were already happy and that will tend to make you happy.
Action seems to follow feeling but really action and feeling go together and by regulating the action which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling which is not.
And whenever you go outdoors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high and fill the lungs to the utmost, drink in the sunshine, greet your friends with a smile and put soul into every hand clasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies.
Your smile is a Messenger of your goodwill. Your smile brightens the lives of those who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.
Principal 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and the most important sound in any language
The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment.
If you cannot remember names you’re operating on quicksand.
Franklin Roosevelt too acknowledged that remembering names is one of the simplest and most obvious ways of gaining goodwill.
We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.
Principal 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
If you aspire to be a good conversationalist be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. A boil on one’s neck interest one more than 40 earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other persons interests
The Royal Road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
Always make the other person feel important. The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. The urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself. Little phrases and courtesies such as I’m sorry to trouble you, thank you, would you mind, won’t you please, etc., oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life.
Talk to people about themselves. And they will listen for hours.
If we are so selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve.
Part 3: How to win people to your way of thinking
Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
A man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still
You cannot win an argument.
You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it and if you win it, you lose it. Understand this, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is completely wrong. You have made him feel inferior. He will resent you.
When one speaks, the others should listen because when two people yell there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations.
If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponents goodwill ~Ben Franklin
Some suggestions on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
Welcome the disagreement
Distrust your first instinctive impression
Control your temper. Remember you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry
Listen first
Look for points on which you agree
Be honest, look for areas where you can admit error
Promise to think over your opponents ideas and study them carefully
Thank your opponent sincerely for the interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things as you are
Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem
Some hard questions that you need to ask yourself in preparation of meetings/discussions that are potentially capable of steering towards an argument:
Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem or will it just relieve any frustration?
Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me?
Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me?
Will I win or lose?
What price will I pay if I win?
If I am quite about it, will the disagreement blow over?
Principle 2: Show respect for the other Persons opinion. Never say “you’re wrong”
When Theodore Roosevelt was in the White House he confessed that if he could be right 75% of the time, he would reach the highest measure of his expectation. If that was the highest rating that one of the most distinguished men of the 20th century could hope to obtain, what about you and me.
If you can be sure of being right only 55% of the time, you can go down to Wall Street and make $1 million a day. If you can’t be sure of being right even 55% of the time, then why should you tell other people they are wrong.
Men must be taught as if you taught them not. And things unknown proposed as things forgot ~Alexander Pope
Be wiser than other people if you can but do not tell them so ~Lord Chesterfield
We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us but or self-esteem which is threatened.
A first reaction to most of the statements is an evaluation or judgement rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, the tendency is almost immediately to feel that it is right or that’s stupid or that’s abnormal, that’s unreasonable, that’s incorrect, that’s not nice. Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what is the meaning of the statement to the other person.
When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our Esophagus.
It only requires a little tact and a little determination to refrain from telling the other person he/she was wrong.
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and empathetically
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or or intends to say and say them before the other person has a chance to say them. The chances are 100 to 1 that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized.
When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking and when we are wrong and that will be surprisingly often, let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way
If you come at me with your fist doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours ~ Woodrow Wilson
The book quotes a fable about the sun and the wind. They quarreled about which one was stronger and the wind said I will prove that I am. See the old man down there with a coat? I bet I can get his coat of him quicker than you can. So the sun went behind a cloud and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew the tighter the old man clutched onto his coat. Finally, the wind came down and gave up and then the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly at the old man warmly. The old man he wiped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force
A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall ~ Lincoln
Principle 5: Get the other person saying yes yes immediately
When a person says no and really means it, he or she is doing far more than seeing a word of 2 letters. All your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. There is a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The whole neuro muscular system sets itself on guard against acceptance. To the contrary, when a person says yes, none of the withdrawal activities take place. Hence, the more yes we can extract at the very outset, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention of our ultimate proposal.
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of talking
If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt, but do not. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with a open mind.
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do something. We much prefer to feel that we are buying a car on our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, wants or thoughts.
The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. ~ Lao Tsu
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other persons point of you
There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does, ferret out that reason and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.
By becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect. So why not pause and try to think the whole thing through another persons point of view.
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other persons ideas and desires
3/ 4th of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you.
Sympathy, the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury in order to get abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults show the bruises, talk about accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. Self pity for misfortunes, real or imaginary is in some measure practically a universal practice.
Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives
Assume that people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to the rule are comparatively few.
Individuals will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair.
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas
Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting and dramatic.
Principle 12: Throw down a challenge
The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. Not in the sordid, money getting way, but in the desire to excel. The desire to excel the challenge.
Part 4: Be a leader – how to change people without giving offense or rousing resentment
Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Principle 2: Call attention to peoples mistakes indirectly
Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
You are not born with judgement, that comes only with experience. It makes any discussion more palatable if the other person knows that you too made similar mistakes and have learnt along the way.
Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable, it often stimulates the creativity of the person whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had part in the decision that causes the order to be issued.
Principle 5: Let the other person save face
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we are only destroying ego by causing someone to lose face. We have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what we think of them but what they thinks of themselves. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.
Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise
Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit, we cannot flower or grow without it. And yet while most of us are only too ready to apply the other with the cold wind of criticism. We are somehow reluctant to give a fellow the warm sunshine of praise.
Abilities wither under criticism, they blossom under encouragement.
Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Give them a fine reputation to live up to and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the faults seem easy to correct
Be liberal in your encouragement, make things seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his/her ability to do it, that he/she has an undeveloped flair for it and he/she will practice to excel.
Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
Things you can keep in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
Consider the benefits that the person will receive from doing what you suggest.
Match those benefits to the other persons wants.
When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.